Saturday, June 19, 2010

I Am A Racist

A WoW racist, that is. For various reasons, the majority of races available for play in WoW seriously drive me nuts.

Let's consider the horde toons. Or let's not. I don't roll horde. Firstly, I am really not interested in being poor again. Secondly, since I have never rolled horde, I have no knowledge of their cities or quests. Call me lazy, but I am not interested in re-learning the game at this point. Thirdly, there is no way I am going to look at that amount of ugly for 80+ levels.

Ya, I know the Blood Elf girls are "pretty". They also look like bitchy malnourished teenagers. And don't even get me started on the Blood Elf males. Even if I did play guy characters, I don't think I am prepared to deal with that amount of fabulous on a long term basis.

So let's talk humans. Firstly, the the high-level armor looks ridiculous on human toons. Like "help! I am being eaten by my shoulder pads!". I hate the sighing female animation (see bitchy teenager comment above), and I hate that they are so...pink. Once more, no one that has seriously studied the male humans can tell me that their casting animations don't look like self-pleasure...amirite?

Gnomes. Do I even have to go there? Gnomes are not a race to be played, they are a species to be used as golf balls. Yes, I am one of those horrible people that have the GnomePunter add-on installed. Sadly, I am too much of a wuss to actually use it often because I don't want to hurt people's feelings. The only thing that gnomes have going for them is the female Princess Leia hairdo (double-danish FTW!), but that is not even enough to make me want to deal with that stupid on a long-term basis. Just say Gno, folks.

Dwarves. Small, hairy, bearded. And don't even get me started on the males. I was in Ironforge the other day and was confronted by a group of dwarves all dancing around in their underwear. Did you know that dwarf chicks wear granny panties? Ya, brain bleach please.

Night Elves. My first toon was a NElf - that toon now sits around Ironforge, covered in cobwebs, minding my private guild bank. Perhaps I am biased because I look back on my play days with her and shudder (the hunter effect?), but I have really grown to hate Night Elves : I hate their rainbow brite hair colors, the big pink ears, and the bouncy boobie animations (ya, tell me a man didn't design that). I think my hate of Night Elves has also been fed via the random dungeon tool due to the stereotypical Male NElf hunter that acts like an idiot (melee hunter is bad, mkay?). The only thing that Night Elves have going for them is the fact that they can be Druids. Which means they can assume tree form. Which means they can cry for me while in tree form. And that seriously makes me collapse into a fit of giggles every time I see it. So I guess I should amend my earlier statement: I hate NElves, but I freaking love Trees.

Draenei = spacegoats ho! I would hesitantly say that male Draenei are somewhat interesting in design, however, I can't confirm because I can't see anything past the shoulders. Every time I see one I think of that old Saturday Night Live skit: "We're going to pump *clap* you up!". And what about those big huge tails? Does this seem like these toons are over-compensating for something? And if that is not enough to make you cringe, just ask a random Draenei male hanging around Dalaran to dance for you.

So that leaves Draenei females, which is the only race I roll anymore. Sure, they have a serious ghetto/lemon booty and their voices are a bit strange. But other than that, Draenei chicks have it made: they have big boobs, built-in high heels, and cute hairdos. What more could a girl ask for?

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